An Essay by Eric Picard
I am super skinny. Super duper skinny. In my head.
Actually I’m a fat guy, who used to be super skinny. I was skinny at such a formative period of my life, for long enough, that that is my identity. I identify as super skinny. It doesn’t happen to be factually true, but it is in my head.
I am, in fact, kinda fat. And many of you are going to now tell me that I’m wrong, or that I’m being too hard on myself, or whatever it is that skinny people like me tell fat people. This isn’t about self-image or body image, or shaming anyone, including myself. I’m not morbidly obese, but I’m not a skinny guy anymore.
According to my doctor, I’m fat. She literally said this to me when I walked into her office. “Eric, you’ve gotten fat!” I love her. She’s the best doctor I’ve ever had, and she’s telling me the truth. She’s a doctor, and she deals in facts. I am fat. Fact.
Let’s talk about some facts. I’m 56 years old, and I’m 6 feet tall. I weigh 202 lbs.
In 1986 I was 18 years old, and I was 6 feet tall, and I weighed 158 lbs. I was super skinny.
People used to insult me all the time, by calling me skinny. What I wouldn’t give for that to be true now.
In 2017 I was 49 years old and I weighed 225 lbs. That’s 67 lbs heavier than when I was 18. And let me disabuse you of something – that’s only gaining 2 lbs a year when amortized. You don’t gain the 67 lbs all at once.
Now, If I started this story out saying, in 2017 I weighed 225 lbs, and now I weigh 202 lbs, you all would have been cheering for me, you would have been celebrating me like I’d just finished the Boston Marathon. But that’s not the story I’m telling.
This story is for all of you skinny people who are in great shape, and you’re under 30. I was you. And I am your bogeyman.
When I say great shape, let me geek out for a minute. At 18 I was running 10 miles a day and was number 2 in the state in the half-mile, which I’ll say for the normals in the room.
For the track kids, I was running 4-6 miles a day plus sprints – often doing something like 20 quarters. In track meets I ran a 1:57 half mile and a 3:58 1500. I was super skinny, but I could squat the whole stack on the universal machine. It would blow the minds of the football players.
I was super skinny. And I was in amazing shape.
In my youth, I was also uncomfortable with fat people. My grandfather, who I loved, was fat, and I was always embarrassed for him. How could he let himself get like that?
Now I know. He just lived his life.
These stats that I was so proud of in my youth, my speed, my ability, my prowess… They’re replaced by new stats. Blood pressure. Cholesterol. Blood oxygen levels. Resting heart rate. Sleep Scores.
So let me tell you some things that you never knew about being fat, skinny kids. Did you know that when you squat down to pick something up when you’re fat, you can’t breathe? It shocks me every time, I never remember that I’m not going to be able to breathe, every time I think, “what’s wrong, why can’t I breathe?” It’s because I’m fat. All that fat sits in my belly, and it squeezes against my diaphragm. So when I squat down, I can’t breathe, like at all. If I have to do a bunch of yard work where I’m squatting down repeatedly over a bunch of time, that’s hard as hell.
When I drive longer than 30 minutes, I have a whole ritual I have to do, where I unbutton my pants, loosen my belt, and pull my pants way up. I try to select pants that have a little bit of stretch in them.
And let me tell you, I’m in pretty good shape. I walk 4-6 miles a day. I’m not debilitated by being fat. I am not suffering all that much from being fat. Many people have much harder situations than me, I’m hardly someone who should be complaining about my weight.
I have several friends who are on Ozempic, and it’s been transformative for them. They’re lighter, more mobile, their stats are looking great. One of these friends told me that he eats as much as he wants now, but only wants a small meal. As he’s eating, he suddenly can’t eat another bite. He’s completely full.
My being fat has given me immense empathy for people who struggle with their weight. I’m a super skinny guy who struggles with my weight. But I’m not just a skinny guy who is fat.
I’m a guy with amazing vision who needs reading glasses. That was an shocker – to not be able to see anymore. I went to the eye doctor, and I said, “I’m having a lot of trouble reading and seeing things up close. I’ve always had better than 20:20 vision.” He said, “Yep, that happens.” “To everyone?” “Pretty much.”
I was like, “Well, is there something you can do about it?” He said, “Sure, I can replace your corneas if you like.” He actually got a little excited, he said, “It’s a super safe procedure, it’s the most common surgery done in the world, and you’ll be back to your perfect vision afterwards.”
Turns out, doctors who get paid by the procedure are very happy to perform procedures on you. You learn all about this as you get older. The dermatologist wants to remove your skin tags almost as much as you want them removed. They’re disgusting, by the way – have fun with that when it’s your turn.
Loads of my friends are going to the next phase of being old, they’re getting their joints replaced. Hips, knees, ankles. It’s an amazing world we live in when we can rip and replace faulty joints. And nearly every one of the friends who have had this done rave about it. People of a certain age will meet up and compare notes: Oh – you had your knee replaced, where’d you get it done? South County Hospital. Oh did you use So-and-so or So-and-so? You know, his stats are amazing!
I have some sage advice for all of you people getting older everyday. I got this advice from a doctor at UCSF Hospital. Never have surgery from a surgeon who is paid by the procedure. Go to a teaching hospital and have an academic doctor who is on salary do your surgery. You should be the one convincing them to take you on as a patient, rather than the other way around. It doesn’t cost you any more to have a great doctor than to have a crappy doctor. Or a doctor who wants to squeeze you in so they can upgrade their next Mercedes.
What other things about getting older can I tell you to scare the shit out of you?
Oh – you know the jokes about men over 50 having to get up multiple times a night to pee? That one is totally fucking true. And it’s not always because of the prostate – sometimes its because you’re constipated. Oh and it’s not what you think, young person. You have to pee like crazy, but sometimes it just comes out in dribs and drabs. And imagine having excruciating lower back pain because your blood pressure medicine is making you constipated. Yeah – you have that to look forward to.
My dog is 12 and he’s getting old and cranky. I have such empathy for him. He needs to go out to pee several times a night – usually around midnight and 3 AM. I generally have to go too, so while it’s super annoying (we live on the third floor) to have to take him out at 3AM, the dilemma I face is whether to make him wait for me to pee, or if I’m going to wait for him to pee. Usually he wins, because I won’t pee in the house if I wait for him.
If you young people still aren’t internalizing this – you are going to get this way too! When I was 25 there was no way I ever was going to be a fat old guy. I was going to stay in shape. I was going to run every day and be one of those rare old guys who runs marathons and has all the stats we all dream of, both the performance stats and the health stats.
Yeah. I’ve lived my life. Things change.
But honestly, I’m committed to staying healthy and active. I’ll keep walking every day for sure. But I’m constantly thinking that I’m going to be one of those old guys with great stats. I’m gonna do V-Shred, or PX-90, or (shudder) Cross-Fit. I’m gonna get ripped and take anti-aging supplements. I’m super-duper skinny. Don’t worry, you’ll all be super-duper skinny and beautiful and have great stats too. I promise. Don’t worry about it.
Eric Picard 